JB: Mawning ‘Arry. Fanks for coming all this way. So woss inner box then?
H: It’s my family, Jay. It was the one thing my dear old mother left me when she tragically passed away in a terrible car accident, and it’s never been the same since. I keep it in this box because it’s got a bit broken and battered over the last few years, and it’s my sacred duty to save it for future generations, because none of the rest of them are doing it properly.
J: Ooof, it’s in a bit of a state, isn’t it? So what happened to it to get it looking this bad?
H: Well, we had a little accident, Jay, and the rest of them say I broke it, although I say it was them and they’re just covering up because they know they did it and not me. I was moving my stuff out to America, and about a hundred Netflix people took a look inside, and they said, Harry, it’s worth at least a hundred million dollars right now, and another forty million for the book, and another two hundred million for the next book and the one after that. And double that if it turns out to be worse than it seems.
J: I get your drift, ‘Arry. So why ‘ave you brought this item in now?
H: Well, my wife says that with a bit more damage it might be worth twice that much again. Can you get that pottery woman of yours to do a bit of work on the cracks? I’ve got a cold chisel you can borrow.
J: Yeah, okay, it get it. Gonna need some glue, though. You want us to smarten it up and repaint it a bit, but keep the ‘istory, right?
H: Sod the glue, Jay, just preserve the history, and embellish it a bit where the odd bits of essential detail are missing. My dear sainted mother will be looking down from heaven and saying well done, Harry. And so will my dear old granny, who I tried to save, but I didn’t manage it because the bastards wouldn’t let me. Granny says I should have been king, and she’ll have a word with whoever it was up there who decided that my brother should be the first born and not me.
I demand a celestial recount, Jay. And if all that doesn’t work, I’ve got a spirit medium who can dig out the rest of the dirtevidence . Or at least, enough to make me another half a billion. I’ve got a growing family and a publisher to feed, and it’s what my mother would have wanted.
Honestly, Jay. And believe me, I don’t use that word every day……
BJ