But I've managed to get hold of my good friend Haziest Bluster before retiring to bed. We've agreed on some quite radical thoughts and I believe upon waking tomorrow morning they will be passed into law.
- Our shopping bill has gone up - that's the fault of Putin
- Our utility bill has gone up - that's the fault of Putin
- Our mortgage repayments will double in the next three months - that's Kamikwasi's fault
- Petrol has nearly doubled in price - that's Putin's fault
- There are significantly more refugees arriving by boat - that the French git's fault
- The NHS waiting times are getting worse and its difficult to see a doctor - that's Boris's fault
- The road and rail network is grid locked - that's Gordon Brown's fault
- We have a massive national debt, really huge - but it's less than the US or Germany so we may as well run it up
- You're not going to honour the triple lock - it's not law
- There's no fiscal plan - yes there is trust me
- Tax has been reduced - I did that!